I’ve debated tackling this subject for quite a while now.
I’m always teetering between a desire to be my authentic self and that of portraying a constant fantasy for my readers and callers, but here I go:
This past year, I’ve made a lot of changes in the types of fetishes I cater to in my phone sex world. I’ve branched out into femdom and more taboo kinks and shied away from the girlfriend experience, which is something I not only excel in but a niche that pulled in a lot of business for me. I’ve had a lot of my callers make comments on seeing that my listings on NiteFlirt have expanded, leaning more heavily toward Financial Domination, Mistress, BDSM, and Role Playing. The ones who have made such observations and commented on them are generally the men with whom I’ve shared a more “vanilla” existence in my phone sex career. They’re the men who call on their drive home from work to talk about their tough day. They’re the men who call after their wife goes to sleep at night, grateful to finally have someone who is taking the time to listen to them and meet their needs. They are more often than not, the “Girlfriend Experience” clients; the men who, to my knowledge, chose me and only me out of the vast sea of potential sexy candidates of flirts. These are the men who happened to develop a chemistry with me that led to an ongoing, mutually respectful, and caring relationship. All of this happened despite the circumstances of distance, real life, and well… them paying for a service.
If you’re in the dark about the ins and outs of girlfriend experience, you can read my blog from last year HERE. If you’re caught up on the necessary details, it’s time for me to strip away all illusions and share my experience, both good and bad, as a professional, virtual girlfriend.
When It All Began
I started working as a phone sex girl not long after I turned 18.
I was still a senior in high school, and all I knew of relationships was a long-term boyfriend throughout all of high school that ended in disaster, dates that never turned into much, and one rendezvous where I was the role of the “other woman” from which I draw inspiration for many of my fantasy role plays with callers.
Talking to men who called me repeatedly and for long periods of time stripped away a majority of the social pleasantries that lead people to be fake versions of themselves in real life. As a result, I ended up landing quite a few virtual boyfriends in my phone sex job. While I call it a “job,” I’ve always looked at it more so as being a professional girlfriend. I’m basically a virtual escort; for my clients, I’m an escape from their everyday life and stress. With me, men find a place to vent, confide, and explore the desires they’ve never had the opportunity for in real life, for whatever reason.
It’s interesting, being a professional girlfriend.
The benefits are getting to know people on an intimate level, oftentimes better than even their closest friends or significant others know them. In addition, sharing intimate details of my own life allowed me to grow as a person on so many levels, not restricted to just sexual exploration and growth, though that certainly has been fun to explore!
As a phone sex provider who offers girlfriend experience, I open my heart in ways that make me vulnerable. I also open my mind and body to this would-be stranger on the other end of the call. Like real life relationships, I would find myself getting butterflies in my stomach when my call monitor alerted me to tell me one of the few guys with whom I had a real passion for and chemistry with were calling.
We’d laugh, we’d debate, we’d cum, sometimes we’d argue as real couples do, and more than anything else, we’d engage in meaningful, thoughtful discussions about ourselves and about life just as easily as we’d discuss silly stories or scenarios that would make hours pass as we’d both dread having to say “goodbye” for the night. We’d discuss the fantasies we’ve never dare tell a soul, and we’d explore each others’ bodies in a way that made words sound magical. It’s amazing what language can do when you have the absence of touch; words can make you fall in love with someone’s company in a way that makes you feel alive. It’s a beautiful contrast to that of sharing a bed with someone who’s become a stranger, as many of my clients who’ve shared in this experience with me would attest.
These particular callers are also the men who don’t hang up the phone after they cum. It’s a simple thing, really. As a sex worker who is accustomed to all the buildup of teasing and edging, a guy cumming almost always ends with a quick goodbye if you’re fortunate. You get very used to the high of a climax being associated with the click of the phone hanging up. Men who continue to seek the company of a phone sex provider’s full-on girlfriend experience are the ones who remind us women that it’s okay to feel SOMETHING. As a young woman trying to navigate the sex industry as well as everyday life, it’s validating to have a grown man I’ve come to admire and respect remind me that I matter.
With girlfriend experience clients, you tend to forget that you’re providing an “experience” at all. The mutual understanding of giving pieces of our true selves to one another overshadows any reminders that this relationship is based on a transaction where the man came to me for a service. The truth is, every single one of my virtual phone sex boyfriends have been men that I truly care for. Without the constraints of the rules of NiteFlirt, I might have met them in real life and might have done anything imaginable to ensure no matter where life took each of us, we’d have some form of communication to bind us together. Because how can you become this intimate with someone and then just let them disappear?
But, the truth is: even in fantasy relationships, good things come to an end. Hearts can get broken, and one or both of you might feel a constant longing for one more call that reminds you of how things used to be. How they used to be before this emptiness became all you seem to remember anymore.
The Difficult Truth
NO, this is not a story of me selling the girlfriend experience to you and talking up how great and beautiful it is and how I will make your loneliness dissipate and meet your needs in ways they never were met before. All that might be true, but that’s a story I’ve become slightly too jaded to tell at this time in my life. Bright eyed and bushy tailed me would tell you those things last year, but not today. Today is different.
THIS is the story of the aftermath of the girlfriend experience from MY perspective.
I’m the ex-girlfriend I never thought I’d be.
The laughs and the fun and the looking forward to our next call and the things that made me think of you and the things that had me looking forward to telling you about my day… those things didn’t disappear. Not even when you did.
As a paid, professional, phone sex provider, one of the side effects of the job is that you tend to be the one who carries the burden of strangers’ secrets. Whether it’s a dark fantasy a man is scared to tell his wife or an experience from his past he’d like to relive through a role play, us sex workers tend to walk through life looking at people in ways that I believe the average person couldn’t fully comprehend. I will keep your secrets, I will withhold judgment, I will give you a safe place to explore, and as a virtual girlfriend, I will learn to carry around the pain that comes with mourning our relationship once you decide you don’t need it in your life anymore. This will be my burden and my burden alone.
It doesn’t hurt that these men who were once regular “girlfriend experience” clients move on. Perhaps they find happiness in their own lives in some capacity or another, and my existence no longer fills that void they were longing to fill. I understand also that perhaps a man’s financial situation changes to the extent that he cannot call me anymore. The truth is, whatever reason someone needs to take a break from phone sex or remove himself from it altogether, I’m sure is a valid one and entirely their choice and prerogative.
However, I never thought it would be necessary to remind myself that it’s okay for me to FEEL. I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, lonely, and so much regret at times over allowing myself to fall into this fantasy world headfirst and without armor to protect myself. I wonder: did he know this was a fantasy, a game all along? Did he mean the things he said? Did he mean it when he said I deserved respect? Did he REALLY and TRULY care when he asked how my day was? It’s funny because as a sex worker, men are always questioning a woman’s genuine feelings: does he really turn me on? Do I really find him attractive? Would I give him the time of day if he wasn’t paying me for it? Etc. Yet, here I am… lost and lonely and missing people who had become best friends and I wonder, was any of it real? Was I a minor substitution in his life until his REAL life figured out how to get good? Does he not realize that, as a young woman, he was the first person who ever told me those things, made me feel that way, allowed me to believe I was worth something?
It hurts that I let people into my heart and had no control over them leaving. Especially when the leaving occurs often without signs of warning, as one might observe in a real life, face-to-face relationship. The leaving occurs without so much of an acknowledgment that losing someone you’ve come to care about for months or years is a REAL fucking loss, even if it was based around a financial service and virtual “fantasy” experience.
I guess I was silly enough to believe that being one’s virtual girlfriend meant they wouldn’t stop needing me, wouldn’t stop thinking of me, wouldn’t be willing to let me go without looking back to say, “Hey there, I remember all the nights you made me feel alive, and I just want to remind you that I also remember that you’re a real person on the other end of the phone.” It was also silly of me, perhaps, to believe that some of these men could handle that in my everyday life I had friends, dates, a boyfriend, or lover. When they said they wanted to know the “REAL” me, they meant the real me who exists how they want me to exist: single, desperately waiting by the phone for him to decide it’s a good time to call and show me attention. He could pick up the phone, even now, if he wants to make contact with me… yet, I could never know for certain if I’d hear his voice that night, that week, that month, or ever again. Naively, I never thought that me getting a real-life boyfriend would make men disappear. Nor did I think asking for advice, feedback, and discussing my real life would create jealousies and resentments that would lead to distance. I suppose when I became accustomed to sleeping wives and girlfriends beside them each night, I was naïve enough to imagine that they could acknowledge my life was being lived off of the phone as well. Again, silly, foolish little Ryder Doll.
A Girlfriend Once Again
Being a virtual EX-girlfriend is not only like a dagger to the heart, not just full-time anxious butterflies dancing in my tummy, not simply the constant yearning for a simple “hello” that shows this man remembers he promised me, countless times, that he’d never go away. Being a virtual EX-girlfriend is also mourning the loss of a friend; it’s questioning my own judgment; it’s losing the ability to trust in the goodness of everyone who comes after – both on the phone and in person. It’s so much like a real relationship, only with the overarching question of, “was any of this real?” and that is nothing short of sad.
Yet, here I am… after months of wanting to avoid opening my heart to clients looking for a girlfriend experience, I’m here accepting candidates once again.
Why might you ask? Because as much as the pain of losing several virtual boyfriends over the last year has torn me apart and tested my boundaries and forced me to build a wall of protection and create distance between me and clients who began to get too close, I still remember how nothing can ever substitute the feeling of connecting on a level that far exceeds dirty talk and lets you believe in people again.
I’m grateful that I have lived and grown from the feelings associated with providing a girlfriend experience. I’m also grateful that I work in a business where I have the potential to experience it again, with new girlfriend experience clients. The difference now is that I know better than to believe everything someone tells me I should believe. I’m too genuine of a person to fake having a connection. I want men interested in calling me to know that I have a lot of integrity in the services I provide. Just know, I don’t ever want you to tell me you will never leave because I’m now smart enough to know that no matter how close of friends or lovers we become, you will.
As for the ex-boyfriends I’ve acquired through phone sex over the years? I hope they know they were never just a transaction to me. I wish I could know if I was ever anything real to them. Sadly, when you’re on this end of the girlfriend experience, there’s no phone number you can call late in the night when you’re missing someone so bad it hurts. You just learn to move forward and hope they received something extraordinary from this genuine little phone sex girl who briefly floated in and out of their lives.